‘First Roman dildo’ discovery shocks archaeologists: ‘Exciting and intriguing’

Dil-do as the Romans do.

UK archaeologists were flabbergasted after discovering that a 2,000-year-old “sewing tool” could potentially be the only known life-size Roman dildo. They detailed the alleged phallic first in the journal Antiquity.

“I have to confess, part of me thinks it’s kind of self-evident that it is a penis,” said Dr. Rob Collins, an archaeologist at Newcastle University who co-authored the paper, the Guardian reported. “We know ancient Romans and Greeks used sexual implements. This object from Vindolanda could be an example of one.”

The Caligula-esque sex-cessory was first discovered in 1992 during an excavation at the Roman fort of Vindolanda in Northumberland, the Times of London reported. Archaeologists initially classified the six-inch-long cylindrical object as an implement for darning — the practice of repairing holes in woven fabric using a needle and thread — which modern scientists suspect was because they had discovered it alongside shoes and other garments.

However, upon further examination 30 years on, researchers believed they might’ve been wide of the mark.

Small phallic facsimiles were ubiquitous in ancient Rome, often in mosaics frescoes, and even pendants worn around the neck as tantric totems. However, researchers believe that this doppel-wanger might’ve been used for self-pleasuring purposes due to its material and the fact that it’s life-size and disembodied — attributes that make it the first of its kind recovered from ancient Rome.

“The size of the phallus and the fact it was carved from wood raises a number of questions,” Collins declared. “The case for its sexual use is clear to most observers at first sight.”

He added, “I don’t know who entered it into the catalogue. Maybe it was somebody uncomfortable with it or didn’t think the Romans would do such silly things.”

In addition, the tool was smooth at both ends, suggesting that the supposed double-headed dildo may have been used over a period of time.

Of course, the phallic facsimile might not have been for literal masturbation. Collins wrote that Romans may have employed it as a suggestive pestle to grind ingredients for “culinary or medicinal use” and that the “phallic shape may have been chosen to imbue these with good luck.”

Another possibility, per the paper, was that the wooden willie was a detachable part of a “herm,” a Roman statue comprised of a person’s bust and a pillar leading down to their genitals like an X-rated Pez dispenser, per the study. Frisky Romans would rub it to boost their libido a la a superstitious baseball player touching their lucky bat before play.